Many people to this day, even those close to me, do not know that I suffered for years with an anxiety/compulsive disorder called Tricotillomania. It's very difficult to publicise this, but if this post could help at least one person suffering with the disorder, then it will have served its purpose.
Tricotillomania (Trich) is an anxiety disorder which makes a person feel compelled to pull out their hair, this is normally pulled in strands, rather than large clumps of hair, it isn't limited to just the head either, sufferers may pull from their eyebrows, eyelashes, and other areas where hair may grow. Normally there is some type of tension which builds up, which leads to pulling and then a feeling of relief afterwards.
With me, it all started about 4 or 5 years ago; I had always had quite thick, bushy, frizzy hair when I was younger and hated it! As a consequence of this, I found that I used to touch my hair a lot, normally when I was bored or had nothing engaging to do.
After a while I started feeling for the frizzier, more coarser strands of hair, believing that if I pulled them out my hair would appear smoother, initially I wouldn't do it a lot, but the amount of pulling increased. I found that my hair did look thinner and smoother and I was pleased with the result, at this stage of my life I was still quite confident and happy, I'd say I was about 19.
If this wasn't strange enough, I also found that I would eat the hair after I had pulled, normally starting from the root at the top. This is called Tricophagia and is an associated disorder of Trich, this is very dangerous as it can lead to hair balls in the stomach and digestive system which are called bezoars. Due to this I experienced painful stomach aches as hair cannot be broken down by our bodies. I also used to get the tiny, chewed up bits of hair in my teeth which I was also conscious about, along with erosion of my incisors, over time, from grinding the hair. It must sound ridiculous to those who are strangers to the disorder, but it was a compulsion that I had no conscious control over.
It was after this time where everything just spiralled out of control, the pulling and eating had become an addiction, I couldn't stop and I used to get these urges to pull my hair out. It's so hard to describe the sensation, but I felt as if something was building up inside of me and it was only when I pulled that I felt better. No one knew what I was doing, I kept it a secret, I felt ashamed and embarrassed about what I was doing and would be horrified if anyone found out.
By the age of 20 I had ripped most of my hair out, my head used to ache from the pain of pulling, I looked horrible, bald patches everywhere, long straggly pieces of hair, it was so noticeable that people had started to notice that something was wrong, my parents and my sisters found out and of course they were appalled! I was self harming myself in their eyes, they thought it was ridiculous and that made me feel even worse about myself, my self esteem was at an all time low and being the stubborn person I am, I still thought I knew best. I thought I'd be able to make myself stop but I was wrong.
 |
| My hair, this wasn't even at the worst point! |
I started going to the doctors and they suggested counselling, I went to a session, which was no help whatsoever as they were not familiar with the disorder itself and it was a waste of time. I looked online and found out I was not alone, but there weren't many treatments for the disorder, there was a centre for help in the States, which was not very accessible and again I just felt lost as to what I could do, but I was adamant that something needed to be done.
In 2011 I got quite ill and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, my throat was inflamed, I was lethargic and all that good stuff, I found that I didn't have the energy to pull my hair as often and if I went to try and eat it I would cough and splutter, in reality I believe this was the largest factor in my recovery as it sort of broke the compulsion. When I was feeling better I was more aware of when I was touching my hair and I could tell myself to stop, over time I was doing it less and less and by the age of 22 I had stopped completely, I had my hair cut in a short crop and my hair has gradually all grown back. Its been 2 years since I last pulled my hair and I've never been more happy and confident, I would urge anyone suffering to tell the people that care about them most and let them intervene.
If anyone reading is suffering with Trich or if you have any questions about the disorder, please don't hesitate to contact me :)
